Laichzeit
by deadliving
Summary: All pet owners know that theres a special time of year when animals follow their primal sex drive. This is also true for the Happy Tree Friends
1. Up the Creek

**Laichzeit. A word for spawning time, in fact it is German. We see what happens in Happy Tree Town when the go through laichzeit.**

Nutty sits perched over the water, scanning the area. He glances around, Lumpy is teaching Pop and Cub how to swim, Cub is obviously drowning. His gaze shifts right, facing the northend of the lake. Sniffles is drowning, his trunk tied to a weight, but body suspended above the water. He sort of ignores. Then his attention is quickly caught by Petunia and Giggles, her soft blue hair clung tight against her body. He begins to drool and his stare glazes over with love. Handy kicks the stand snapping Nutty out of is trance. Nutty looks down and blushes. "Sorry, I was just,... um,"

Russell puts his arm on Nutty's shoulder."Yar, don't worry, we've all had that feeling, lad."

Nutty looks up at Russell, "You mean pants becoming a tent?" Russell looks around at the sky, trying to think of a response.

"Well, I don't really have an answer. Handy, do you have an answer?" Handy had already stolen Nutty's lifeguard seat.

"OMG! I think Petunia's in trouble!" Handy yells Nutty and Russell run ahead, to see what's happening.  
Nutty ran faster than he normally could, leaving Russell in the dust. Russell slumps over, his pegs leaving sores on his hips. "Yar, go on without me." he hollers under his breath. Nutty saw Petunia,  
ankle sunk into to rotting wood.

"Where is Giggles?" Nutty asks frantically.  
"She's getting help. " Nutty takes a moment to observe the situation, _Her legs stuck in the wood pretty deep,  
and above her legs is, Wow, I haven't had candy in a while, especially when I'm thinking about fu-  
_"Help!" Petunia shouts at him. He looks around, and grabs her by the shoulder. As she topples into the water, his finger snags on her one-peice, tearing it off. Stunned and pleasently suprised, Nutty looses his footing,swim-trunks being pulled off by a stray branch,falling on top of her.

Nutty opens his eyes, under murky water. He swipes the water with his paws, hitting a furry object. A shriek of terror lets him know what he grabbed. He rises above to see a less than happy Petunia, tail woven between her legs and in her paws. As they float among the flotsam of a sunken garbage truck. The current begins to drag them toward a thunderous noise.

Nutty begins to think of things he'd like to think of before he died. He began to think about those church teachings he had ignored. Especially the one about gluttony, and adultery.  
The his thoughts turned to the candy store, and how much income the owner would get. Then he looked at Petunia. Naked, soaked to the bone, and covered in dirt, pleading for salvation from some divine entity. Yet, she was beautiful as ever, and his thoughts all turned to an image of blue-green 'Skwuirrels' standing infront of Nutty's house with an older Petunia calling them for dinner.

He looks around,and sees Petunia swimming towards him. She grabs his arm and presses her head against his chest, and begins crying. Even with the freezing cold water lapping at his stomach, her warm tears felt cold against his fur. He looked at the rapids ahead, then at Petunia weeping on his chest. He rubbed his cheek against her forehead and wept as well. His only consolation was he was going to die with the girl of his dreams.

**Not exactly a oneshot, or twoshot, just a thought I needed to take out, there will be more chapters and stuff**

**enjoy and reveiw.**

**Or during laichzeit you will be raped by a bear.**


	2. Island of Paradise

**Thank you for reveiwing.**

**I hope I don't disappoint you.**

**Unless I have!**

**Oh weell...**

**read und reveiw**

He wakes on a beach, in a shallow pool of his own blood. He feels around his body, and he deduces, his arm had caught on a rock and his organs rained into the river. It has been atleast a day since he had died. And Petunia was here somewhere to. A thought so horrid came to mind, he threw up. _What if I don't get any CANDY!!!??_

Suddenly, that 'Pants to Tents' feeling, came back to his thoughts. He turned his head, and saw Petunia, face down in the sand, with a gaping hole still torn out of her head. He slides over next to the body, and begins to enter the hole. after a few minutes of guilty pleasure, her voice makes him jump. "Cum on meh brain, U die." He quickly pulls his member from the healing wound. He gets down on all fours, and puts his head against the sand. She whispers angrily, "Sum tims, I fink the only thing in your head is laundry, candy, viagra, and an Ipod playing songs about sex."

He half-smiles and asks fearfully, " You can't move can you?"

Although he couldn't see it, he knew she was smiling when she said; You'll know when I can move.

After sitting for a few minutes, in stupor, he turns towards her and asks, "How will I..." Her arm whips out and she grabs his crotch. She squeezes as hard as she could, nails bringing blood to the surface. He cringed in pain, toppling over in the white sand. When she finally lets go, his manhood is a sickly white, blood and splooge cover flap of skin. He looks up. "Their goes 'Bad touch' and 'I touch Myself'. " He wheezes sarcassticly.

Later that night, Nutty and Petunia sit around a small fire. Nutty looks at Petunia, with leaves neatly adorned on her chest and abdomen. To him, she was almost like a supermodel off cameras. Nutty does his best not to stare at her, but, the fire casts a romantic glow upon the rocks surrounding them. Petunia, still very displeased with the situation, watches the healed flagpole go erect. She reaches into an unseen pocket and hands him a fig leaf. "Atleast if your going to be horny, hide it." Nutty looks at the fig leaves then at Petunia. His thoughts quickly shot around his head;_Fig leaves? thats like some stupid nudity prevention. More lies. Elephants enjoy getting drunk,...Thats IT!_ He smiles and yells to Petunia, "Hey I'm going to get some more stuff for the fire!" Before he hears what she had to say, he runs off into the wooded area near the campsite. He overturns a rotting log, and pulls a mushroom from the underside. He smiles happily, and runs to the campsite.

When he gets back, Petunia has returned from washing her hands. "Petunia,does the smoke smell odd?" He chirps quickly. He quickly throws the mushroom into the fire. She takes a few whiffs and begins to spin around, and wobble. She stares at him and droops over.

"You,...druggied meh." she says whossily. She passes out infront of the fire. He lustfullt glares at her body. _STOP! you can't take use of a friend because she is passed out! Or you could use a , I will not do it._ He smiles lustfully when he conjures up; _Fischmilsch in your face..._

Nutty neatly lays Petunia in an upside-down Y position, stripping her of the make-shift clothing. He lays on top of her, and begins to enter her. Nutty screams and jumps back off. He looks around in shock. Petunia, once again naked on the round next to him, but yet like so many times before, he doesn't have the courage to be with her. Nutty peals a lollipop from his face, but instead of eating it, he lays it on Petunia's chest. He sits in the ghostly moonlight, remorsing for the rest of the night.

**Reveiw**

**coz it is laichzeit**

**and if you do not reveiw, my little dog Gracie will mount and dismember you.**


	3. Mr Hook

**This is the first chapter that differentiates from Nutty and Petunia's situation**

Russell walks down the street, back slumped. He looks up and sees The Mole swaggering down the sidewalk. Russell jumps in front of him. "Yar, tell me how to get money, lad!" he yells in his face.

"Well, I harvest little children, cut them up into little strips, and pass them off at supermarkets as bacon." he says with a smile. Russell stares at him, and pukes all over The Mole. "Russell, help me clean this up. The babies will be fed Gerber!" He claps happily.

"No, lad. I mean an easy job! A job no sane man can fail!" The Mole places his hand on his chin, smiling.

(A few hours later, with 'Yakety Sax' playing in the background)

A room full of rowdy kids turns their attention to the man entering the room. He wore a red striped undershirt, and a navy blue pair of pants. He had peg legs, and a hook for a right hand. He turned around and smiled. "I am Mr. Hook. I will be your teacher for the next 9 monthes."...

After 2 hours and 29 minutes of spitballs, hugs, the oh-so disturbing 'i will kill you' card, constant noise, annoying faces, and the occaisional outburst, he settled down in his chair. It was almost time for the little demons to go to lunch. The bell rings loudly, and Russell sighs happily. He leans forward, to start paper work. A big, red, poorly constructed card lands on his desk. He quickly opens and reads it;

_To Mr. Hook,_

_I hope your first couple of weeks are got. We'll fill them with love and cheer for you._

_Mime._

Russell smiles, and stands up. "Mime, could you stay here for a moment. I need to talk to you about something." He says sternly. Mime, turns around, and walks back into the classroom. He sits down in a chair in front of Russell's desk. Russell folds his hand and hook the best he could, and fakes a smile. "You gave me this letter, a few seconds ago. It mentions the word 'love'. Now, I know love isn't a bad thing, but there is a law against relationships in school. Whether its teacher and teacher or teacher and student, it's illegal." Russell stands up and closes the blinds. He smiles sinisterly. "...but, as they say. Out of sight, out of mind."

**Oh-no Mime! **

**It was short but, the later chapters will make it up.**

**Did I mention that I support RussellxMime? Well i do.**

**Reveiw.**

**or you might get a pedophilic (or hebelophilic, depending on age) teacher this year!**

**(although hopefully you won't!)**


	4. Bueck Dich

Russell walks sullenly into the office. He sits himself down in the faded light of the Principal's office. Flaky sits with her hands tapping the desk. She looked very worried. As always. After a few seconds of deafening silence, she speaks up. "Russell, it has come to my attention, that you have been having sex with one of your students." Beads of sweat slowly slide down Russell's forehead. "It's Illegal. I'm sorry, but I have to fire you." Russell stood up. "Russell sit down!" She yells in hushed tone. He sits back down. "Now, these are the jobs you can't participate in." she squeaks timidly, handing him a considerably long list. He scans through the list, and reads it aloud.

"Police officer, Babysitter, therapist, school worker...This is most of the high paying jobs out there!" He yells. She shrinks in her chair and hands him a card.

"Well, therapy can help alot. Dr. Luis treats me, Nutty, and Flippy now." she squeaks. "Or Lumpy, he's alot cheaper." He glares at her.

"I don't need any god damn therapy! I want satisfaction!" He reaches in the fish tank and grabs some stones from the bottom. Flaky runs towards the door, but hesitates as Russell pounces. Russell pulls her to the ground, and shoves the fistful of rocks into her throat. He binds her hands together with Duct tape, and climbs out the window with her.

Sitting in Russell's basement, Flaky wakes up, still bound and gagged. She sat up and glanced around. She was still in her clothing, but she could feel welts and bruises everywhere on her body. She was in a pitch-black room. She layed her head down, but jumped up again. She had placed her head on a pile of cold, wet, sticky stones. She slumped over onto the floor, and felt around with her head. Wooden planks and sparse patches of mold and food stains were all she had felt before the light flashed on abruptly. Her eyes were adjusting to the light, but she knew she was surrounded by memorabilia of pirates. As Russell thundered down the stairs, his shadow was as threatening as Satan's would have been. He was still fully clothed, but he seemed eager for 'bad touching'. He pulled a belt from behind his back, and whipped her. She jumped back in pain. she curled into a ball and began to cry. After a few minuutes of that, Russell dropped the belt. Russell laughed, "I'm done with torture, but I'm not done making you scream!" he laughed sinisterly.

She scurries and presses her back against the wall, and gasps, "I'm a human being, with thoughts, feelings and rights! You aren't getting in my pants!"

"Oh, on the contrary. I can get pleasure from somewhere other than the pants." he smirks. He grabs Flaky's hair and smashes her face against his crotch. "Suck it. NOW!" He yells.

Meanwhile, outside the window, Disco and Flippy are coaching a baseball game. Flippy watches Cuddles hit the ball, and jumps up and down yelling at the top of his lungs, "Cuddles! Run like a Fox is behind you!" The catcher stands up and takes off their mask. Flippy shrugs, "Sorry Ms. Brer..." He turns his head back to Cuddles and sees Cuddles walking off the field. Flippy meets him on the bench. Flippy puts his hand on his back.

"Coach, Cro got me out, Sir." Cuddles spoke quietly.

"That's oka..." Flippy is interrupted when Disco Bear yells something. Flippy turns around, and sees Disco, Mime, and Toothy jumping up and down, pointing at the roof of Russell's Pirate Ship. Toothy screams, "What the hell is Russell doing up there!" Flippy turns to see Russell, pointing down at him.

"Flippy! Your bitch is the best sex ever! How do you keep your neighbors in the dark with that screamer! I think she should shut up, sometime!" he yells. Flippy examines the situation, _Russell is obviously not drunk, he had sex with his girlfriends, and he's insulting her. He's probably gone insane._ Russell yells down at Flippy again. "You want some real porn!?" He pulls up Flaky, by the hair on her head. She is bound and gagged, and crying mercilessly. Flippy and Cuddles stare at her, then at Russell, who is staring greedily at Flaky. He picks her up and sodomises her. Toothy falls over, Disco bear stands stupified, and Flippy and Cuddles are shocked. Flaky cries in agony as blood trickles down her back and onto the deck of the ship. Flippy and Cuddles run up to the ladder to the deranged pirate. Russell continues fucking her, until he hears Flippy and Cuddles on the roof.

"Russell, stop this. I have a knife." Flippy whispers calmly.

"Oh, here for your girlfriend? Well..." He smirks. He pulls her head into his mouth, and ensues in eating her. He lifts his face up, and smiles. He had eaten most of the head above her upper lip. Russell then flips her over and begins to have sticks his penis in her throat. He then drops her corpse on the ground. Flippy twitches and his eyes turn sickly green.

"Thats my Bitch your fucked!" He yells. He pounces onto Russell, and jams the knife into his shoulder. Russell chuckles.

"I lost my legs and hand. That doesn't hurt!" he gloats. They turn their heads when The boat begins to creak. Flaky's blood had lubricated the space inbetween the tree and the house, and the house was sliding down the trunk. Cuddles, Flippy, and Russell went flying into the air as the floor disappeared from under their feet. Cuddles was impaled on a branch, Flippy was split in half when he landed on a fridge, and Russell was crushed by the mast.

Russell wakes up in a hospital bed, surrounded by white walls. He sits up and sees Cuddles, Flippy, and Flaky in similar beds. He sits up and looks around for a pen and paper. He writes a note and lays it on Flaky's chest.

She wakes up, and sees Russell silently leave. She sits up, and sees a note fall on her lap. She reads it aloud_, _

_Well, Flaky I'm taking your advice and taking a Pedophile Anonymus. I'm also taking pills to control my sexual aggression. I hope I can make it up to you three sometime._

_-Russell_

Flaky smiles with a tears in her eye. She hopes that one day, they'll laugh at this incident.

Meanwhile Russell looks in the mirror at the Community Center. He thinks it over. He looks at the pills and then at his nametag for the Sex-ed group. He walks into a stall, and dumps both into the toilet. He walks out and heads for a Job offer booth. He smiles at Lumpy and hands him his papers. "I'd like to join the Cub scout troop as a ScoutMaster." Lumpy squints at the papers. In big red letters, scribbled right across the paper; PAEDOPHILIC AND SADISTIC TENDENCIES. Lumpy stamps the page and smiles.

"You're hired!"

**Well that was dumb. But Its sortof a crack-fic.**

**And There really are Pedophilic teachers, Scoutmasters, and priests. Russell is not going to be a priest for obvious reasons.**

**Remember, if you're going to comment on 'How could you treat Flaky that way!'.**

**Well, the same way Mondo Media does. She's another HTF, not a priveledged Higher figure.**

**Ok review, and good night.**

**Or Russell will sodomise your pets.**


	5. Dig it like your Grave

**The first chapter differentiating from Nutty and Petunia's, and Russell's situation.**

**Mostly a disconcerted sugar-fic. I had one hell of a night. **

**Sort of a oneshot. **

**My OC, Fritz will be featured.**

Cub sits happily in his playpen, surrounded by beautifully painted toys. Pop sits in his chair, asleep, but still smoking his pipe. 8 green fingers grab the window sill, and Cub turns to see who it is. Fritz smiles as he crawls into the room, One hand kept behind his back. "Ich hab euch etwas mitgebracht!" He says playfully. He pulls from behind his back, a small teddy bear. "I heard, these were started when someone from a far-off land, a president, spared the life of a bear," He says placing the bear in Cub's looks up at Pop,"...If only some people would follow in that man's footsteps."He looks back down at Cub and smiles again."But, we won't worry about him. So what have you two been doing?"

Cub put his hand on his chin, like his Pop often did."Umm, welw, We went to the roller coaster, and the twirly thing. But den, we weht to XXX. "

Fritz raises an eyebrow, He leans in closer. "Repeat that,"

"XXX, he got some pictures of girls." Cub recites. Fritz stands up, and walks over to the table next to Pop's armchair. Packs of tobacco, cans of beer and porn lay scattered on the top of the table. Fritz begins to breath heavy. He turns and scoops up Cub in his arms. "We're going to see the Poly's"

He slips quietly out the front door. He sprints down the street until he runs into Disco bear, who was running in some sort of race. Even while running for the sake of a friend, he still loves to make fun of Disco Bear. He turns to look at him while still running forward. "Aw, I didn't know the Special Olympics were in town!" Fritz smirks.

"Well, why would you say such things about me, _my most esteemed fan_?" Disco bear replies. Fritz rolls his eyes.

" Goddamnit!I didn't know what kinda' fat fuck you are. I was eleven, immature!" He yells at him.

"Are you still bisexual as well? 'Cause you haven't grown out of being immature." Disco growls at Disco and takes a sharp right turn. Cub waves goodbye to Disco."Bye Uncle Disco!"

Fritz turns to see what's in front of him, but runs into Flaky. Both fall backwards, and look at each other. The jar Flaky had been carrying, had broken over the ground, and Cub was in the street. Flaky spoke first, " I'll get Cub, "

"I'll get your money for you!" He blurts out quickly. He unzips his poncho's hood, and puts the money into the hood. Flaky walks back up to him with Cub clapping wildly.

"If you don't mind asking, is this another hair-brained attempt at gaining custody of Cub?" Flaky says nurturingly (for Cub). Fritz rolls his eyes.

"Pop maybe abusing him! And I have evidence!" Fritz yells nervously.

Flaky sighs, "Pop was drunk at the wedding, he didn't hurt anyone. Either way, even if he is being abused, Disco or Flippy would gain custody."

"Pop is not the kind of person you want a child with!" Fritz croaks.

"Neither is a homeless, bisexual blackmarket merchant." she points out

A scream rings though the neighborhood. If that wasn't Pop's scream, it would have woken him up. Fritz re-zips the hood to his poncho, grabs Cub from Flaky. He ran like hell, and Flaky began screaming bloody murder. He realizes why, when he puts his hood up and is pelted with coins. He speeds through alleyway, street, and tunnel, until he finds them. Shifty and Lifty were next to a construction site, selling hard hats. He grabs Lifty and shakes him violently. "Dude, you owe me! Drive me and Cub to Town Hall."

"No I don't. It would have been incest if I did it." Lifty smirks, choking.

"I meant the loan!" Fritz yells at him. Lifty blushes, and gets the keys to the truck. Lifty and Shifty go in the front seat, and Fritz and Cub climb into the back of the van. They pull out of the alley, and begin their drive through the bustling city center. Paused in traffic, Shifty pulls a cardboard box from under the seat cushion, labeled; Sex Box. He reaches in and pulls out a pack of viagra, and condoms. Meanwhile, Fritz wakes from a short nap with faintly hears, 'As long as they only have one hole, they'll work or me', unaware that the brothers were talking about condoms. Foam begins to drip from his mouth, and he begins to cough and wheeze. Eyes twitching he scoops up Cub and climbs through the window between the cabin and trunk.

"We're not there ye-" Shifty's sentence is shortened when Fritz pushes Shifty into speeding traffic. Fritz whacks Lifty, who flies into a horizontal flag pole, impaling him just above the heart. Fritz himself leaps from the speeding van into the fascade of an ofice building.

Toothy yells aggrivatedly into the telephone. "My Friends are lost at sea. The authorities haven't done anything yet." Fritz and Cub smash through the glass, and stumble onto Toothy's desk. Fritz opens his eyes and screams, glass dust cover his eyes, and possibly Cub's. He trips over some cords, and sparks ignite a fire. Toothy drops the phone and runs like hell. Fritz, meanwhile was in the elevator, cradling Cub in his arms, the fire was still unknown to him. He stood, overlooking the town's populous streets. Fritz holds Cub overthe edge and begins yelling, "Custody shall be mine! CUSTODY SHALL BE MINE!!!" Flaky and Toothy look up at the manic, green beaver.

Toothy stares up at him. "Custody battle again?" he asks typically.

"Yep. Next thing you know, He's the new Michael Jackson." Flaky laughs sarcassticly. The tower groans and screams with the weight of Fritz and Cub. It finally gives way, stealing the floor beneath their feet. The two fall to their deaths in a shroud of dubris and dust. Flaky, Toothy, Pop (who had recently arrived on the scene), and many innocent bystanders watch the dust settle in shock. They innocently whistle and scatter from the scene.

**I must've been coming down from a sugar-high when writing.**

**But, I wrote it up, revised it, and posted it!**

**review!**


	6. The Vertical Monster Mash

**A chapter of necrophilia.**

**But, it's dealing with Handy...**

Cuddles and Giggles sit at a table, outside The Mole's Cafe. They give a toast and giggle at all the great times they had. In the window, Cuddles could see Handy, all scratched up and dirty. Cuddles hops down from his seat, into the Cafe, Giggles following close puts his hand on Handy's shoulder, and asks him, "What's wrong?"

Handy just layed his head down on the counter, and sighed. Giggles chimed in softly, "Why don't we get you some coffee?" Cuddles places a mug full of coffee infront of Handy. "See, real coffee! No whip cream or cat poop." She chirps cheerfully. Handy reaches out one of his nubs, and nudges the cup. Instead of his usual 'MMMMMM!', he does a poor impression of it (Ehmmm) and sulks again.

"Handy, what's your problem!?" Cuddles whispers in an angry tone.

"Cuddles, He doesn't feel well, let's just leave him alone." She says, in a worried tone. The both begin to walk out when Handy begins to talk.

"Alone. Waterboarding would be better. Cuddles, You don't want to be alone. She died. 2 years ago on this day." Handy moans, depressedly. The two look at each other, then at Handy. "Ok, Handy. I'm sorry for your loss..."

He stands up and bitterly walks out of the bar. An expression of hopelessness was platered to his face. He sighed, sprawling over the ground sluggishly. He sits up and sees Russell walking down the street with a dirty shovel. He jumps in his way, and pleads. "Russell, I need a favor."

Russell raises an eyebrow, "Yar, now what do you need?"

Handy gulps some air and sighs, "Lets go to your resturant to talk."

Giggles rolling by on her skates, Sniffles opening the register, and the humdrum chatter of the patrons was boring to Mime. What really caught his attention was his boss, Russell, and Handy coming into the resturant, and walking into Russell's office. He walks up, to the door, and hears it lock. Faint whispers float out into his ears. "I need to see my wife again."

"That's defiling her grave, lad!"

"As They say, 'Its not gay if you close your eyes'."

Mime 'gasps' in shock. A finger taps his shoulder and he jumps. Disco Bear's face didn't seem happy "Mime, the expression is 9 to 5, not 9 to when ever the hell I feel like it!" Mime shrugged and went back to the drive-thru. But he still wondered what Handy and Russell were doing.

Later, as the moon sails overhead, and the brisk cold creeps across the land, Russell digs with the shovel while Handy scoops out dirt with his mouth. Russell stops for a second, taking heavy breaths, watching each breath he exhales turn into a mist. "Yar, I know you really miss her lad, but If I was like this to Delphi, I wouldn't be here!" Handy spits out another mouthful of dirt, and glares at Russell "Who the Fuck? Never mind, just keep digging!" He commands. Russell resumes digging, the stench of a corpse taints the air, making each breath bitter. Handy finally chips his tooth on the casket. They begin clearing dirt from the lid and Handy jumps with glee. "Yar, I'm glad to see you happy no-" Handy narrows his gaze and glares at him. "Well, That's beaver for 'get out of here, Russell.' See ya later necro!" Russell says lightly. He lays his shovel against Mrs. Handy's gravestone. which begins to lean. Handy lifts the lid off the coffin.

There, between two long planks, a well preserved beaver, with grey fur, a pink apron, and a flower on her head. Soft blue eyes blindly stare to space, and a her lips formed a straight line, expressing the emotionless state of decay, that should've taken over. Then again, death doesn't work like it's suposed to in Happy Tree Town.

Handy lays down in the casket next to her, and sighs. "It's nice to see you again, honey." he whispers. "You remember how we greet each other in Lake Beaver?" he teases, going down to hug her. He props her up against the walls of earth around them."Remember the lesson you taught to the children, with the stars. Which one of the stars in the sky are you from?" he whispers in her ear. He eyes her lustfully.

What happens next, Handy doesn't know. He drops his clothes, and strips her as well. He lays on her cold body, kissing the wet cold fur. He rubs his throbbing manhood against the corpse, and (pardon the innuendo,) he makes her a body sandwich.

Russell hobbles from the graveyard, tired and aching. "Yar, Nutty and Petunia get lost at sea, that beaver abducts Cub, I rape Mime and Flaky, and Handy is suddenly a necrophiliac. There is somethin' goin' on." he complains to himself. A Copcar pulls up from nowhere and Toothy tackles Russell. "Tell us what you and your friend are doing, or your face 100 to Life." Russell's face is pushed against the ground. Lumpy and Mime exit the car.

Lumpy asks calmly, "Is this the man?" Mime nods. Russell glares daggers at him. That clown is taking his punishment in the ass when he gets his hook on him.

**Epic Fail.**

**But review.**

**And don't worry be happy.**

**du bist schoen!**

**:)**


	7. Sex and Candy

**Author's Note; ****Petunia has very little awareness of what happened after she was drugged. Just FYI**

**So this chapter is sort of a Petunia centered one (Nutty's POV will be featured as well, though)**

**This is my first genuine lemon. I've done lime, and based on the fact I'm not allowed to watch porn, and the age of consent is still far away for me, I doubt it will be any good. **

Petunia awakens to a small coastal breeze. She wakes up, surrounded by gritty white sand. She lifts herself up, to see her surroundings. Endless blue water directly ahead of her, A white sandy beach surrounding her by about 3 feet each way, and thick green jungle behind her. The twigs she had woven so neatly have been discarded, and scattered among the shifting sands. She realizes, Nutty was nowhere to be found. She scratched her head as she glanced around. He sits back, in the sand and shivers from that uncomfortable feeling you get when you sit naked in the sand. Soft foot steps in the grit, alert Petunia to someone's presence. She gives a blind roundhouse kick, and looks at her target.

Nutty had ducked, crouched down, holding a stone platter with meat on it. Her foot was over his head and he had a suprised look on his face. He smiled when he looked up. "I like the view here." Petunia goes back to a normal standing position, and examines what Nutty had on the plate. Two slices of meat, two eggs, and some kale-like vegetable. Not the thing for her on her diet, but it was some food. She and Nutty sit down on the beach, and begin eating the meat. She scarfed it down, which, unsuprisingly, suprised Nutty. She was hungry, and noone could say otherwise. Nutty quietly nibbled at his food, until it was gone. _Odd contrast if you think about it_, Petunia thought.

There was something wrong with that green squirrel. He'd be babbling about candy or similar. Nutty seemed to be absorbed in something, like one would drown his sorrows in liquor. But, instead of a glass of alcohol, he seemed to calm down and act normal. He anxiously sucked on the all-day sucker glued to his face. She had her doubts about her own theory. But, Nutty's strange behavior had justified her theory. She had to investigate further, and probe the squirrel for more than he lets her know.

She leans over towards Nutty. "So I heard that a new chocolate store was opening yesterday. They were hoping you would be the Most Valuable Consumer." Nutty turns to her, their eyes meeting.

"Did you say Chocolate?" Nutty asks slowly, revising what he had said.

Petunia looks around in astonishment. Her plan worked! She didn't let Nutty see that, though. Her surprise was camouflaged as agreement. "Yes, Nutty, chocolate."

Nutty seemed shocked. "Chocolate!?"

Petunia glanced around again, "Er,...yeah. Chocolate. It's sweet and sometimes bitter-"

"Chocolate!"

"Seriously, Nutty, I'm not is chocolate."

"CHOCOLATE!?"

"Nutty, I'm joking. I just wanted you to talk!" She yells, shaking him awake.

"Oh." he says, blushing. "Sorry Petunia."

"It's ok." she blushes as well. Nutty's eyes swivel around, nervous and embarassed. Nutty could tell the feeling was mutual. He knew guilt was eating him alive. But a friendship is more important than well-being. _Fuck that, I want candy, I'm dying of guilt, I just feel like grabbing her, and choking her until she can't resist my intentions! Why do friends-with-benefits have to be so tough! _he thought.

"So, you said something about talking. What about?" he muttered shyly. He would regret saying that, and he knew that all too well.

"Last night," Nutty's heart skipped a beat. "-Uh, I must have dosed-off. Could you explain what happened after I dosed off?" she says seductively. The blood in Nutty's veins run cold. Under his fur, beads of sweat trickled down his forehead. His stomach leapt to his throat, and a violent pain struck him in the chest. His lips trembled and twitched, but no words came forth. Petunia raised her eyebrow, and Nutty just had to speak the truth.

In a hyper-active manner he blurted the answer out. "It, I is, just I drugged you, and I attempted to have sex with you, and now I'm being eaten alive by my guilt!" he starts sobbing uncontrolably, face planted in the sand, soaking the sand with tears. Petunia was genuinely shocked. She was also disgusted and enraged, but genuinely suprised as well. Speechless, she rested her hand in the soft gravelly sand.

"Do you actually have feelings for me or was that pure lust?" she demanded. Nutty weakly lifted his head off the ground, drying his tears on his arm.

"It's sorta a romantic but its not." he choked out. "I love you more than candy."

As corny as it was, Petunia believed he was being as sincere as he could. Which in her opinion, was a sad mockery of Giggles's favorite videos. But it was Nutty. Love before her was probably sugar coated, and artificially made.

As she thought a bit more, sympathy for the failure of a candy lover, welled up from the bottom of her heart. She pushed it aside, and went back to thinking. It was rape, but not rape. A molestation. She might be dealing with another arrogant character who just wants to get in her pants. On the other hand, he might actually be a 'sweet' person, the kind that will be a loyal boyfriend.

Sympathy interrupted her thoughts again. Guilt followed. She turned to Nutty, who's lazy eye was focused on her face. He seemed a good enough person. Nothing from their long history together would lead her to believe he was a pervert. Or an abusive person.

The sympathy she ignored finally got to her. She put a hand on Nutty's shoulder. "One night can't kill us. We'll still be friends!" she whispers seductively. Nutty smiles.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Nutty and Petunia lay on top of each other. Nutty enters her, and she squeals softly, involuntarily arching her back. "Are you ok?" he asks her softly.

"Yeah, it feels good." she coos. He begins gently thrusting, Petunia moaning with each one. Like a pedophile, every moan made him more excited. The night was hot, and the moon cast an eerie light upon the two lovers. Petunia involuntarily spasmed, as Nutty's thrusts become faster. Both got more tense as their thrust get more agressive.

Petunia's moans get louder, "Oh! Fuck me Nutty fuck me!" Nutty was at the peak of excitement, inching closer and closer towards his climax,

"Oh yeah, that feels so good!" he moans. Nutty was trembling with pleasure, and he could tell Petunia was starting to as well. He started drilling her harder, and Petunia's moans became squeals of pleasure.

"Deeper, Nutty! Yeah, oh yeah, that feels soo gooood! Deeper!"

Nutty was now brimming with excitement and pleasure. He was almost scared that the last thrust would send semen out her mouth, or something. But finally, moments later, they both climaxed. Nutty keeled over, exhausted, into the sand next to Petunia. Both were panting, not really knowing how to end the eventful night. Nutty leaned over and gave Petunia a peck on the cheek.

"I love you, Petunia." he whispered followed suit and kissed him on the lips.

"I love you, Nutty." she whisped in his ear.

Although their hearts were fluttering away on wings of love, and their 'fruits' were on cloud nine, one word mutually came to mind as they went to sleep; Awkward

**Don't be shy and review!**

**If you truely disliked it, then don't reward me with false comments. Tell me what I need to work on.**

**I thank Maur the Grey and EvilFlippy, whose stories helped me with this chapter.**

**Review!**


	8. Zuchtzeit

**I'm not sure what's wrong with me.**

**Some 'social incidences' occured. No I feel worse than when I had swine.**

**But, thats a fucked up personal problem, by apparent popular demand:**

**Komm heir (Now Zuchtzeit) is the next chapter.**

Russell stands in the community center, staring at all the children running around. As much as he thought his medicene was bullshit, no thoughts of sex appeared in his head. All was as fine as before. He breathed in, and held it, marching up to Lumpy. "I'm here to be a scoutmaster." The big blue moose turns around and stares down at him.

"Oh, hello Russell!" he exclaimed. His eyes met Russell's obviously taking every ounce of brain power he could. "We're going on a fishing trip! Do you want to come?" he asked.

"Yar, ya' bet!" Russell exclaims. Lumpy hands Russell his suit, and directs him to the bathroom.

"You have 10 minutes." Lumpy said. Russell went to the bathroom, slipped on his suit in the stall, and washed and cleaned his contact lenses. He quickly runs his hands and the lenses under the water, and glances in the mirror. Flippy walks in, walking up to the sink next to him. A second of awkward silence is followed by Flippy's slow, calm, bubbly (?) voice. "So, is the medicene working?"

Russell nods. "Yar. None of those thoughts anymore."

"Ok. " Flippy utters a small laugh. "But, me and Lumpy need to keep an eye on you. you know..."

Russell tries to laugh in agreement, but instead, sighs. Both walk out of the bathroom, still, with an uncomfortable silence between them.

On the boat, Lumpy hands Russell a clipboard. "Check off everybody who comes on boat. That's two for me and you" he says holding up three fingers. Flippy walks by, with ten tents under his arm. Russell checks him off. Then a torrent of children rushes on the boat. He uses his pencil to count the boys, then scribbles checks next to every name. He climbs on and pulls the blank on the boat, and they cast off.

Lumpy corrals the children to the back of the boat, and Flippy recites the rules from the Acorn scout handbook. "Keep your lifevests on all times. No pushing. When we decide it is unfit to be on deck, then no one is allowed on deck. Your new Troopmaster is Russell. He's had many experiences with the ocean. Listen to him. If he says to do something, do it. But remember page 14, section 92. Russell, standing against the railing, quickly flips through to the page, and quickly reads it. It was about child abuse. He rolls his eyes and crosses his arms. Flippy scans the crowd with his eyes, and stands back in astonishment.

He walks over to Russell. "There are 10 children."

"Yar, and.." he asks.

"Theres an extra kid." he exclaims. "That kid over there." he says pointing to a small sloth bear. Russell and Flippy walk over. "Excuse me, little boy, are you on the right boat?"

"Was?" he asks, staring innocently at the men over him. "Was du fragen mich?" Russell and Flippy exchange bewildered looks. "Sprechen sie duetsch?"

"Was dich namen?" Russell asks.

"Rutherd, was dich?" Rutherd asks.

Russell replies "Russell," he then motions to Flippy. "Und Flippy."

"When'd you learn German?" Flippy asks.

"South African ports always have a few German workers." Russell answers.

"Hilf mir. Für Ich zucht, doch es quälen!" Rutherd whines to them.

Flippy looks at Russell. "My guess is as good as yours." Russell says.

"Zu bett!" Russell commands. Rutherd walks off, hunched over, and descends into the lower decks.

Later, in the Control room, Flippy, Russell, and Lumpy sit around the table, smoke swirling around in the air. "We have a German Indian on boat, and we have no idea what he's doing here." Lumpy states.

"We can't turn around, or we'll have to cancel the trip." Flippy says.

"There's an old Dutch outpost on the Island we're camping on. You guys do what you do, and I'll see if I can help him there." Russell points out. The two nod. "Ok. lets hope we don't run into problems."

Meanwhile, Nutty and Petunia wake up in the sand, clutching each other. Nutty opens his eyes slowly, and sits up in the sand. He rubs the sand from his eyes, and glares at Petunia, laying naked in the sand. He nudges her slightly on the shoulder, and she instinctively kicks, right in his stomach. He fall over in the sand clutching his sides, writhing in pain. She jumps to her feet, "Sorry..." she grins sheepishly.

He rolls over, and raises himself onto all fours. "Eh, it's ok." He eventually gets to his feet, and wobbles over to some boulders. "If you don't mind, need to piss." Both disappear behind a boulder.

Seconds later, both run out to each other. Simultaneously, they both shout at each other, "You gave me AIDs!"

Wait, If neither of us had AIDs, how'd we get it?" Petunia asks quizically. Both looked at the stone plate covered in animal blood. Both say "Bushmeat."

They turn, and spy a needle, jutting from the sand. Nutty falls to his knees. "Thank you Great Squirrely for bestowing this AIDs vaccine upon me and my love." Petunia glares at him.

"What makes you so sure it's an AIDs vaccine." She demands.

"My God hast blessed it." Nutty exclaims. Both look at each other, then sprint wildly for the needle. As if planned by a cosmic puppet-master, A seabird snatches the needle and drops it in the dense forest."Squirrely Damnit."

Dusk paints the sky pink as they reach shore. They quickly set up camp. Russell walks over to Flippy. "Yar mind if I start the fire, those lad are probably going to set thar-selves aflame."

"I'd let them try it. Pain is the best teacher around." Flippy quotes.

"Yar, alright. Me and Rutherd are leavin'" He mumbles. Flippy watches the two disappear into the dark of the forest. He hears the children scream, and turns to see five running in circles, engulfed by flames. Images of jungles, snipers, and bullets whirring by fill his mind, as his eyes change color. He grabs one of the children, slits his throat, and jams his penis in the windpipe. Seconds later, He rises, with a burning mask on his face. A child runs up. "Sir Fli-" Evil's mask shoots a get of flames, burning a hole through the child's face, killing him instantly. One child flees from Evil, trying to swim away. Something grabs him from below, shoves a sea urchin in his mouth, and shackles a bowling bowl to the kid's ankle. The last kid, huddles under a tree, shaking violently. Behind him, Evil stands with a saw, grinning happily. Unbeknownst to the kid, a tree falls, crushing the last kid. He smiles, snickering "It does make a sound!"

Nutty leaps tree to tree, surveying the ground below for the tiny glint of glass. Petunia scurries about the understory, feeling for cold glass where she doesn't find dirt. Russell and Rutherd sprint through a field of shrubs, having heard the commotion Evil made. Evil whizes through the trees, grass, and undergrowth, like a phantom. All inevitably heading to port.

Russell and Rutherd burst from the tall grass into the Main Street. Russell glances around. "Where is everybody?" Russell asks. Nobody was there, and the town seemed abandoned for years. Nutty stands behind an abandoned shack, waiting for Petunia. She emerges, shaking from the sight of all that dirt. He stops her in her tracks.

"I propose, we should both get an equal squirt of vaccine. Deal?" She looks at him as he stretches out his hand. She grabs it and shakes it.

Evil walks onto the board walk. "I love the smell of death in the night." he yawns. He sees a boat of sloth bears, docked. He sinks back into the darkness of the forest, waiting to ambush.

Nutty peers from a hole in the side of the shed. "I think I see someone with the needle." he shouts in a hushed tone.

"We'll leap from this shed and ambush them." Petunia reasoned. Both readied to attack, and sprang into the Main Street.

"Yar! Nutty! Petunia!" Russell looks down, then cups his hand, and places his hook over Rutherd's eyes. "Why are you two naked?" Russell asks.

Petunia and Nutty look around, as if the answer was flying about their heads. "Long story..." Nutty laughs. "Who's the Indian?" He says pointing to Rutherd.

"Yar, I's a long story..." He chuckles. "But, there might be a boat for Rutherd here. And Evil Flippy is following us"

"Flippy ist eine gewinnsücht mit keine embarmen! Sie Krankes Tat!" Rutherd exclaims.

"Ja, Flippy bist trauriger tier." Nutty complementing Rutherd's view.

Russell glances around, sensing someone watching them. "We need to go."

"Wir muss gehen" Nutty says to Rutherd. The group turns the corner, and a ship full of Sloth Bears awaits.

"Mutter! Vater!" Rutherd exclaims. He sprints to the ship, when Russell sees movement in the bush.

"Rutherd, Wach aus!" Evil leaps from the bushes, and Russell tackles him. Rutherd keeps running, for his sake, the safety of his family moments away. Russell pins his hook into Evil's wrist. Evil stabs Russell in the stomach several times as they roll over one another. Russell knocks his head into Evil's, knocking both unconcious. Nutty, attention drawn elsewhere, spies the needle.

He lifts it from the sand."Look, Petunia, the Vaccine!" He slides the needle into his vein. Then he gives it to Petunia. She smells it. "Nutty."

"Yes," he responds.

"This is heroin."

"oh..." Nutty falls over unconcious, from the sudden warmth of the drug. Petunia rolls her eyes. She waves to Rutherd's family.

"Ritt zu gestade?" She hollers, lugging Nutty's body across the boardwalk.

**On boat**

Flippy walks up to Russell, putting his hand behind his head. "Sorry for trying to kill you and Rutherd, and killing everyone."

"Yar,We need to thank Petunia for getting us a ride to shore. Everybody. You, me, Nutty, Petunia, and-" Both look back at the Island.

"-Lumpy!"

Back on the island, Lumpy crawls from his tent, stretches, yawns, rubs the sand from his eyes and looks around.

"Hello?

**Did you enjoy that?**

**I know I messed up some German, and I need real critic on that, but besides that review!**

**Translation (Just skip these)**

**Was du fragen mich - What did you ask me**

**Spechen sie duetsch - Do you speak German**

**Was Dich namen - What is your name**

**Hilf mir. Für Ich zucht, doch es quälen - Help me. I'm here to breed but it is torture**

**Flippy ist eine gewinnsücht mit keine embarmen! Sie Krankes Tat - Flippy is a merciless mercinary. His acts are sick. (or Flippy is a mercinary with no mercy) **

**Ja, Flippy bist trauriger tier - Yeah, Flippy is a sad animal**

**Wir muss gehen - We must go**

**Mutter! Vater! - Mother, Father**

**Ritt zu Gestade - Ride to shore**

**Goodbye 4 now!**


	9. DickKnife

**The same two authors who brought you 'For all our children' (soon to be 'Fight for your yight to procreate'),**

**Joe and Deadliving proudly present the most fucked up chapter of Laichzeit yet.**

**Rape, cults, and drugs.**

**This takes place After 'Zuchtzeit' and 'Vertical Monster mash'**

Nutty was sifting through chocolate bars at the candy store, jamming them in his pocket, hoping Lumpy wouldn't see him. Lumpy lifted his head from the paper, phone in hand. "Nutty, Russell has been arrested. He wants me to tell you. And bring bail."

Nutty looks at his pockets, and smiles. "I've got bail."

Nutty stands behind iron bars, a bewildered look on his face. He turns to Russell. "How was I supposed to know they didn't take candy as bail?"

Petunia picks up the phone on the side of the bed, at Pop's house. "Hello, this is Pop's residence, their babysitter speaking."

"Hello, Petunia. It's me Nutty. Me and Russell are in Jail. We need you to find bail for us. Theres this a big Bear in the room, and he has a dick with a knife on it. "

"Nutty, how do you know I'm here?" She demands.

"Fritz told me after we returned from the island. He seems pissed at both of us, lately. And now he's like going bald." He explains.

"That's what the hobo gets for being such a pervert!" She scolds. "So what's the plan. I have no money in my bank account."

"There is money in mine. The number is 555555." Nutty is jabbed in the tail with the dick-knife.

"You're next, Spaz." He bellows.

"Hurry!" he squeals quietly.

Petunia hangs up, and rolls to face Cub, who was lying in the bed beside her. "Sorry Cub, I need to leave for a second. Mommy will be back." She kisses him on the forehead.

"You make me happy." He exclaims. She begins to leave the room, when Cub starts bawling. She sighs.

"Do I have to bring you with me?" She whines.

"Yep." he grins. She picks him up, and puts on the baby harness.

"If you're good during this trip, I'll give you a party in your pants." Cub clapped, after she said that. He had no idea what oral sex was, but he knew Petunia was going to play with him if he was good.

Petunia stepped off the bus to Downtown Happy Tree Town, and looked around. She realized, she forgot where the bank was. She glanced around. All around her were gleeming buildings, glass facades that made the city a house of mirrors. She scanned the crowd looking for a person that knew where the bank was. She saw Mime, Sniffles, Cro-Marmot, and...Fritz. She thought for a second. Mime, Sniffles, and Cro would either give her a fucked up version of good directions, or not answer at all. Fritz is, unfortunately, the logical pick.

She walks up the the green balding beaver, rolling on her feet. "Hi, Furry. You wouldn't happen to know where the Bank is, would you?"

He smiles nervously, like he was hiding something. "Well, Hello, Petunia. Yes I would. You go right, down this street to the Giant Eye sign, then turn right down Girraffe St. The Bank is at the end of that street."

"Well, thank you-" She began to thank, until Fritz interrupted.

"Or there's a shortcut through the alleyways." He bargains. She thinks for a second, and one word runs through her mind; Rapist. But, Cub was with her, and Fritz puts Cub above God. There's no way in hell he'd do anything in Cubs watch.

"Alright. Where is this shortcut?" She asks. Fritz directs her to a brightly lit alley. There were brightly colored potted flowers on the ground, and it looked like children drew wonderful pictures in chalk on the ground. There, at the end was the bank.

"Thank you, Furry!" she exclaims, running towards the bank. Fritz grins, rubbing his hands together.

She skips happily over the thin cover of asphalt, taking in whiffs of the pollen. Something was funny about these flowers. They made her feel like she did when she mistook heroin for AIDs vaccine. Except the feeling was overwhelming. Her fast skips quickly slowed to a trot, then she fell back onto the pavement. Her vision began to fade, but she could see Fritz take Cub from her, and felt herself being dragged away. She was right, and wrong. He'd rape her, no matter what.

* * *

She woke up tied to the bottom of a up-turned trashcan, enclosed by fence. It was decorated with pictures of Cub, Flaky, Pop, Nutty, Flippy, and Herself. Cub was at the top of the fence, and torches were hung around the photograph. Her and Flaky's picture were circled in red marker, and below it, it said; Sacrifices for Gottlich.

Pop, Flippy, and Nutty had big red X on their photo. Below it; Must destroy.

She was scared now. A simple swim turns into pregnancy and AIDs. A simple trip to the bank makes her a human sacrifice. She could only guess what a simple shopping spree would do. Things are now scary, Russell and Fritz are _officially_ bisexual rapists, Handy is a necrophiliac, and Nutty is aborting candy for sex. But, that was beside the point. She knew Fritz as a hardcore stalker-hobo. If he's taken peeping to stalking, and now to rape, He might also take the leap to psychopathic sexual-sadistic slavery.

Fritz enters, carrying Cub on his back. "Come on, Cub. You want a treat?" Cub nods. He sets him on a pedestal. First, he grinds up one of the flower's buds. Then he turns to Petunia, carrying a knife, and the bowl containing the crushed flowers. He makes a small incision on her stomach, and a trickle of blood slides slowly into the bowl. He licks the wound, to cease the bleeding. "You're next." he whispers. He kneels, offering the bloodpaste to Cub.

"What do I do?" Cub asks.

"Drink it, Cub." he asks. Cub looks at the thick brown paste. He casts it aside in disgust. Fritz cowers in fear.

"Sorry, Cub." He walks over to Petunia. He pulls down his pants, and wraps his arms around Petunia. "How about some entertainment?" She struggles against her constraints, cutting her wrists, and wasting the last of her last energy. He takes a quick sniff of a dried up flower.

He was high on some sort of narcotic. He quickly climbs on top of her. He seemed very angry, and intent on death. "When I'm done with your slutty ass, I'll kill the god. I'd be Fritz, the killer of !" He topples over backwards, dead from hemorragic stroke brought on by drugs.

Petunia and Cub look around. "Wierd..." Petunia sighs. "Cub, help me down from the trashcan." Cub releases her legs, and she uses them to pick up Cub to unfasten her hands. She picks up Cub, and leaves the Weird beaver's yard.

She enters the Police station, with a bag of money in hand. "I would like to make bail for my friends."

Petunia, Nutty, Russell, Cub, and the Bear sit on the bench behind bars. Petunia turns to Nutty and begins yelling at Nutty. "Why do you keep candy in a bank! What happened to your money!?"

Nutty rolls his eyes. "Well atleast Bear is asleep when you two came."

"What do you mean?" She asks.

"Yar, this blood on thar seat wasn't here before we got here." Petunia stands up, wincing at the thought. Lumpy walks over to the cell door, and opens it.

"You four are free to go. Your bail has been paid." He says. Handy 'waves' to them with his stub.

"Thanks for bailing us out!" Petunia chirps.

"Eh, don't worry. My wife would like to meet you, if you wouldn't mind." Handy asks.

"Yar, everything seems to be better. I'm not thinking of pedophilia or Rape, You and Petunia are out of danger, Handy seems to have accepted his necrophilia." He proclaims proudly. "I feel this is a good ending for everyone!"

* * *

Fritz is tossed into the jail cell. "Drugs, kidnapping, and assault are illegal. Religion involves nothing to do with violence." Lumpy yells to him. Fritz glances around. He sees a bear looming over him, pulling down his pants, revealing a penis with a knife on it. "Bend over, bitch."

**We both have problems...**

**Yes this chapter is crappy, but I'm too tired to care much right now.**

**Good night!**

**Joe & ****Will**


	10. Biest

**Yes, another chapter of Laichzeit!**

**Thank you the three who helped me with this chapter.**

**Two more chapters till it ends!**

**',:(**

**Well of course, there is a sequel and a spinoff.**

**Need to finish this and another story for christmas...**

**So expect chapters of 'Fighting on the Water', '11:27', and 'Laichzeit' to be popping out like rabbits.**

**The chapter I've been itchin' to make.**

**In this chapter, Evil tries a different strategy of war.**

Flippy lies alone in bed, shadows from the trees outside crawling on the walls of the room, dancing to the wind's command. He was not asleep, just thinking alone in his bedroom. Inside his mind, his two sides seemed to have calmed down.

_Flippy glares at Evil pacing around in the field of roses. Ever since Nutty and Petunia disappeared, all he had done was pace. It was astounding. He'd only come out on the island to 'waste some energy'. Flippy knew he was right. He really didn't seem to have any bloodlust, just playing. In his own sick ways..._

_"BAMMMM!!!" Flippy yelled. Evil remained pacing, almost lost in his own thoughts. When he remembered something linked to the war he'd usually jump up and demand control of the body he called home. But he was pacing. Deep in thought. Too deep to argue, control or slaughter._

_It was just too wrong to believe._

_Finally, Evil stopped pacing. He faces Flippy. "If I may ask, why does Flaky love you?"_

_Flippy glared at Evil, astounded. "Uh...well, well, we're both like-minded, um, well it's an emotional bond. We trust each other, and feel happy together."_

_"What about sex?" he interrogates. Flippy recoils in shock._

_"Why ask about that?" he exclaims._

_Evil shrugs. "Well, I'm the personification of your survival mode. I want to know what is going on physically between us and our wife."_

_As much as Evil was right, Flippy refused to give in. "Stop being a smartass!" Flippy suddenly realized the error in that statement. Evil would have came at him with a knife demanding every detail. Instead he stood there, a frown slid across his face, but he wasn't readying for attack._

_Only one word could some up the situation; Strange._

Flippy opened his eyes. The sky was still cloaked in darkness, but the pink streams of lights were coming over the horizon. He hangs his feet ofer the edge of the bed, and lunges forward, landing in a standing position. He slowly opens the door, into the dark of the hallway. He lethargically trudges to the bathroom. He splashes some water in his face, and takes his pills. He sits down on the rim of the bath tub, and dozes off.

_Evil glances around the field of flowers. He tries imitating Flippy's high voice "Flaky, Fl-laky, how are how are you Flaky? Would you like to, Flaky, if you didn't mind, take our relationship back to the honeymoon days? I feel I've nailed his voice. Now to provoke myself."_

Flippy unconciously stands up, grabs the razor, and cuts his middles finger, and coats the razor in blood. He opens his eyes, and glares in shock at the blood soaked razor. Pictures of the war surge through his brain, and his eyes turn a dark yellow-green color. He once again mimics Flippy's high voice. "Hello, Flaky. Why not stay in bed for a while longer, shall we?" He grins. He stalks away into the hallway. He steps silently into Flaky's room, just as the first rays of dawn break through the warped glass of Flaky's window.

Flaky slept on her soft bed, dreaming of work tommorow. She jumps, dandruff floating everywhere, when someone grabs ber by the back of the head. "Good morning, Flaky." she hears Flippy whisper in her ear (?).

"Good morning, Flippy." he replies. She feels Flippy lay down next to her.

"Today's going to be a lazy day, so why not stay in bed a little while longer, together." He persuades seductively. Flaky feels Flippy's arms wrap around her stomach.

"Alright, but I'm on top." she moans. She rolls over, to face Flippy, but her eyes open wide in surprise. Instead of Flippy's normal face, his teeth were fangs, and his normal Pac-man eyes were replaced by yellow-green irises and small beady pupils.

"Yes, honey?" he smirks. She tenses up with fear, and sweat rolls down her forehead. Flippy presses his body against hers. "You want it rough?" His fingers slide down her stomach to the waistband on her pajama pants. He kisses her on the back of the neck, as he pulls down her pants. She glances around, trying desperately to search for an answer.

"What about protection?" she asks timidly.

Flippy groans, letting go of Flaky for a second, reaching over to the bedside table. She stumbles out of bed, and starts for the Flippy notices and lunges for her. She only manages to escape, and lock the door behind her.

She begins sobbing as Evil swears at her from behind the door. "I'll fucking rip out your fucking eye, and have sex with the hole, then cum on your brain! Now get back here you god damn cunt!" She thinks for a moment how and why Evil would do this. _Maybe the same reason as Russell, Fritz or the others. Maybe they're being influence by something. Is that possible?_ _Chemicals in food & water, or maybe a natural thing. _She thinks hard for a few moments trying to link these behaviors to something she knew. She smiles, "Eureka! I've got the answer to the odd behaviors happening around Happy Tree Town!"

**Thank you especially Pheonix Reece.**

**'Odd behavior' is to come soon.**

**Today was a productive snow day!**

**until next chapter, **

**Hasta mañana**

**Will**


	11. Medical Meth

**Yar!**

**the next chapter in Laichzeit.**

**WARNING! contains LiftyxMime (a crack pairing of mine, sorta OCC, sorry)**

**Shifty and Lifty become aggressive when Sniffles' cure fails.**

Sniffles dashes across the lab, vile in his hands, seething with foam. Flaky watches from the door frame, following the frantic blue anteater scramble across the room. He dumps it into a bowl of water, and froth towers high in the air. As it dissipates, marvelous crystals stand in their place. Sniffles backs away, and shows the tower to Flaky. "Voila! Instant heat-cure."

"It looks like crystal meth." she critics.

"But this is made from pure estrogen and testosterone supressing amino acids, not drain cleaner, cold medicene, and battery acid." He argues. He reaches under the work table, and there is a cage full of mice, and inside, a female rat sheltered under the food bowl, while three horny males circle it. "This is a cage that was exposed to the same hormones that are making the people around here go sex-crazy, testosterone."

He pulls up another cage. The males were calmly sleeping or searching for food along with the females. "This is a cage exposed to testosterone, then to my miracle drug."

"Will it work on Flippy or Russell?" she asks.

"Off course." he chirps.

"Could it work if distributed in the air?" Flaky asks.

"Well, If it's grounded up, and dropped over the crowd, It should work like it would if inhaled alone." Sniffles answers.

"Alright, I've scheduled a meeting at townhall for the people in this town." she warns. "It's at 5 pm, bring the miracle cure as a powder."

"If I may ask, how will you get a town full of horny sadists, pedophiles, and rapists into a room at townhall?" Sniffles asks.

Flaky holds up a sign, marked 'XXX'.

"Maybe I'll have to test MD's side effects on people not affected by Testosterone..." Sniffles chuckles. "In the meanwhil-" A sudden thrashing sound interrupts Sniffles. He and Flaky turn to the source of the noise, the miracle-drugged rats.

The males had dismembered the females, and they were turning on each other, blood clinging to their white fur and walls. Flaky and Sniffles exchange sheepish looks.

"Maybe I should work on the drug..." he mutters. "Well, you go prepare for the event." Flaky silently waves goodbye, and leaves. Cro-marmot slides up to Sniffles, who hands the block of ice the batch of miracle drug. "Dispose of this."

Shifty and Lifty sift through Sniffles's trash. "If we sell these reports online, we'll be rich!" Lifty exclaims.

"Does it involve porn, the dollar bill, or crystal meth?" Shifty asks demandingly.

"Well, its a plan to solve world hunger-" Shifty snatches it and tears it apart, before Lifty could finish. Suddenly, a large chunk of crystal hits Lifty in the head, and lands in Shifty's hands. Both shout in victory.

"Fuck yeah!" They run off back to their apartment.

In the musty haze of the racoon's apartment, both took turns snorting the ground up drug. After every grain is in their nose, or in the trash, they lay adjacent to each other, trying to enjoy the high. "Whoa, this ain't crystal!" Shifty exclaims in a delusional voice.

"Maybe it's in the mix. If I know Sniffles, he likes things long and painful." Lifty moans.

"Like, maybe we should go out on the town tonight, and paint it red!" Shifty cries, lethargically climbing to his feet. Lifty smiles, with a naughty thought lodged in his mind. "Naugh, to the movies!" Shifty hooted. He dashed from the room.

Lifty pulled out his cellphone and dialed up Mime. "Hey, You want to meet at the movie in like, err, uh... 5 minutes?" He recieves a text, miming the word 'Yes'. "See you then!" he chirps.

XXXXXxxxx|xxxxXXXXX

Shifty and Lifty had bought tickets to 'Epically Awesome Movie', and were sitting in the theater, staring at the blank screen, flashing with bright colors. 'As my brother, I have to say," Shifty mumbles, but he falls asleep before he finishes. Mime trots into the theater, and Mime waves him down.

"Over here, Mime!" he hollers. The clown runs up the side stairwell to the row they sat at. They both kiss and hug. Lifty points to his sleeping brother, "He's asleep, don't wake him up, because he doesn't know we're dating. Keep silent." Mime glares at him with a half-smile. "Yeah, I did make that a joke, didn't I? Well, he snorted too much meth, and will probably be dozed off for a while." Mime puts his finger to his lip, and points to the screen. Lifty nods, and smiles.

An hour or two later, Shifty feels a violent jolt in his stomach and testes, like a burning spear was thrust into them. His eyes felt as if ants were crawling over them. His lungs were filling with amniotic fluids. He opens his eyes, and only sees a red outline of his normal vision. He stands, and sees Lifty and Mime's arms around each other's shoulders. He unsheates his knife, and readies to stab a shocked Lifty, but his instincts indentify the racoon as a brother. He brings his arm down, and instead of stabbing Lifty, the knife was lodged in Mime's skull. He stumbles into the aisle.  
"We're going home, come on, Lif-f-fty." Lifty sobbed, looking at Mime's dead body, then at his hung-over brother. He runs his fingers through Mime's soft fur. Glaring at his tipsy brother, he clenches his fists, with a horrid plan embedded in his head.

**Horrible chapter, yes that's apparent.**

**But, as said before, I have to finish before Christmas.**

**Review!**

**Sorta OCC.**

**The next chapter is the last!**

**:,(**

**Til next time, **

**Joe and William**


	12. Conclusions:Whats Next

**The last chapter!!!!**

**It is sort of short...**

**Oh no!**

**We all hate happy endings**

**and Bad endings are almost as bad!**

**Oh well.**

**If you are reading this before the chapter 'medical meth', read that chapter first.**

**Enjoy the conclusion of 'Laichzeit'**

Sniffles and Flaky walk into townhall, pockets filled with a revised version of the miracle drug. "If you are violated or killed by the crowd, remember, it was Nutty's fault." Sniffles assures. Flaky rolls her eyes, nervously thinking about the angry audience she'll have to face. Men ready to rape, kill, or do worse to her. But worse would, or _will_ happen if she doesn't act now.

As the two approach the white domed building, Flaky attempts to take deep breaths. Sniffles opens the massive bronze doors, and leads Flaky inside. They wave to each other as the doors swing shut. Sniffles locks the door, and goes around back to the entrance of the ventilation system. She walks down the marble corridor, light filtering through the grimy windows. Mime left the window washing job after he was raped, and no one came to fill in his spot. She feared because of his being laconic, he would have a hard time overcoming his pain. She walks through more humungous doors, this time onto the podium in front of the crowd.

Lifty stealthily makes his way to the front of the crowd. Although it was an effect of Sniffles's failed drugs, Lifty felt overwhelming depression and rage from Shifty killing Mime. So he created a plot in his mind, to execute in his own way. This plot gave him control over his own invisible world. He was his own God. And he knew just what _his_ gods did.

Flaky adjusts the microphone, and taps it. "Can everyone hear?"

"Yes, where's our adult entertainment, slut!" Disco called out, angrily. She frowns, timidly shaking.

"Well, actually, this is a cure for all of you. It will cure you of your life-controlling obsession with sex!" she chirps. They all look up, with a grey-blue powder raining from the air vents. Most stare in confusion, not knowing what to make of this situation. Flippy, Mime, and Splendid move to the front of the crowd, to hear what else she knew about this drug raining on their heads. Nutty and Handy move to the back of the auditorium, not wanting to let go of their new found addiction. Flippy accidentally bumps into Lifty, and pardons himself. Flippy notices something different about Lifty. His trench coat was bulging and smelled of a kerosene lamp. He double takes, realizing what he'd felt.

Lifty leaps on stage, and Flippy yells "Lifty has a bomb!" Flaky stands in shock. Evil takes over, and tackles Flaky, shielding both. Nutty and Handy flee as quick as they can, accidentally locking everyone in. The crowd frantically scrambles around, trying to avoid Lifty's bomb, trampling, clawing, screaming. All this took place seconds before Lifty's thumb pressed the trigger.

Sniffles watches Lifty explode, a ball of fire engulfing half the crowd. The rest are knocked to the ground from the force of the blast. As the red clouds disappear, many appear horribly mangled. Mime's horns were jutting from the top of his spine, and his fur, flesh, and sinew were scorched from the body. Lifty was nothing. As were Cro-marmot and Pop. Very little distinguished their giblets from another. Cro-Marmot was splattered amongst the blood and ashes, along with chunks of ice. The Mole and Disco were in flames, laying unconcious in puddles of their own blood. Evil Flippy had been burned, and he seemed to be disoriented. Russell had pried open the door, and those who could walk left, fearing for only themselves. Fire was quickly spreading, and the building was collapsing in on itself. Sniffles crawled down the vents, only to be crushed violently as the vent implodes.

Fires rage out of control, consuming entire buildings downtown. Most who fled fell victim to the fire. Not one inch of Happy Tree Town laid untouched by the fire or blast wave.

Evil Flippy glances around, and two fears came to his mind; His wife and brother just died here. Raging walls of flame spread high into the sky send plumes of thick black smoke into the air. Lumpy had jumped into the closest truck, and driven to his warehouse near the docks for safety. Petunia was watching from her house, and was escaping the fires from the backdoor of her house. Rutherd, even could see the violence from the high seas. "Feuer, Feuer on der Lande!" he calls to his family.

Flaky wanders around the asphalt streets, blood dribbling from her nose. She spots Cub, torn from his dead father's arms by the explosion, bawling in the street. She scoops him up into her arms, and comforts him. "We survived this Cub, we're alright! We've survived!" she cooes. Handy walks up behind her. "We've survived, indeed, but one question," he whispers.

"What is it?" she asks softly.

"Can we survive the calm from after the storm?"

**The conclusion.**

**Odd behavior shall come out around today or tomorrow.**

**I wish all reading a happy Rannahannakwanzmas, for everybody.**

**This is officially my longest story, +14,000 words, 12 chapters, and +32 reviews.**

**Hoping I break this record!**

**Until our next story,**

**Review!**

**Joe and William**


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